Changes

We are forever changing.  Our life is a constant change and  almost 3 weeks ago something wonderful has happened to me.
Something that has brought me back to this blog.

I am not sure what I am going to do but I have felt a growing need to want to be here.

For now, I am posting this and seeing what else happens after that.

Stay Strong


Since the accident I have been on constant motion, unable to stop, to take a deep breath and to think.
In so many ways I am helpful and it has helped me to move forward and to stay strong for my family but these past two nights I been alone at night and unable to shut off my mind.

I am tired of being strong… Maybe I want to hide in a self-imposed cage… Maybe.
But I won’t quit being strong It’s not who I am…
Some days I wished I could but last night I finally allowed myself to shed a few tears — alot of tears actually — as I fell asleep.

It was good for me.

Today is a new day and I feel that the glass has been emptied and the harmful thoughts have been pushed back which is good because today he comes home and I will be going back to work.

The geek in me smiled

Desr Tech Support,

I have a problem. I have recently upgraded from “Casual Play Partner” Version 8.0 (V8.0) to “24/7 Slave V1.5″ and although it at first seemed like a good idea (I didn’t even have to officially register the software), it has since been very instable and caused a lot of problems.

First, the monitoring program has to be running at all times to make sure ‘Slave’ doesn’t crash and this constant monitoring leaves little CPU for other programs to run. Second, after the first couple of times I ran it, it started giving me those pop-up screens wanting me to ‘officially register it’, I think those are called “nag-screens”, nothing about mandatory registration was mentioned in the manual.

Also, a lot of other programs are crashing due to insufficient resources, “My Office V2.3″, “Game Room V1.1a” and “Guest Room V5.0″ all will not run, I get some message like “insufficient space to perform operation” or something like that.

“Vanilla Friends for Dinner V2″ and “Vanilla Night Out V6.9″, will not even start up.

I cannot seem to keep ‘Slave’ in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.  I have been trying to uninstall “24/7 Slave” several times but it seems to be all over my system, and it keeps coming back. I don’t want to format the whole system and re-install everything…

PLEASE HELP!!!!

**************************

Dear User,

Your complaints are quiet common but is mostly due to a common misconception.  Many people upgrade from “Casual Play Partner Vx” to “24/7 Slave V1.5″ with the idea the “24/7 Slave V1.5″ is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

“24/7 Slave V1.5″ is an OPERATING SYSTEM  and designed  by its creator to be an integral part of all system functions. It is unlikely you would be able to purge “24/7 Slave V1.5″ and still convert back to “Casual Play Partner” as Hidden operating files within your system would cause “Casual Play Partner” to possibly emulate “24/7 Slave” and much of the system damage already caused to productivity programs is practically irreparable, so nothing would likely be gained.

It is nearly impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.  It is very difficult to revert back to “Casual Play Partner” without a total system format and starting over, possibly with new hardware.

Some have tried to install “Poly Program Manager V1.0″ or “Wife 1.0″ but very often end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under ‘Warnings-Legal’ and ‘Warnings-Hell on Earth’.

I recommend you keep “24/7 Slave V1.5″ and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing the background system optimizing program “Now Lie in it! V1.0″ to alleviate software augmentation and CPU problems.

Having “24/7 Slave V1.5″ installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Safety Faults (GSF’s).  You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. Avoiding GSF’s should be your greatest concern as an informed user.

When running “24/7 Slave V1.5″ there are really only a few reasons the program doesn’t work properly, even if ‘properly’ isn’t exactly what you were expecting….

1) A faulty program. There are some versions of “24/7 Slave” which are coded wrong and/or mislabeled, which can masquerade as a legitimate “Slave” program. If you do get a hold of one of these faulty programs you can attempt to debug it your self but it might be best left to a professional to fix.

2) User error. I know no one likes this option but “24/7 Slave V1.5″ is a very demanding program. It can be very capable and functional but it is a difficult program to MASTER properly and to its fullest potential. My advice here would be to read all you can on the program and try very hard to use it properly.

3) Improper Program Selection. Maybe you didn’t really want to install “24/7 Slave V1.5″ in the first place and were mistaken for doing so. If this is the case the best option is to delicately try to remove the program, sometimes “Nice Cards V1″ can help here but no matter what utilities you use it will be a delicate process so proceed with extreme caution to minimize the damage to all software involved.

The entire system will run much more smoothly as long as you vigorously try to avoid all GSF’s.

“24/7 Slave V1.5″ is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of “24/7 Slave V1.5″.  I recommend “Floggers 2.1″ and “Pain V9.0″ to be VERY effective in keeping “24/7 Slave V1.5″ running smoothly.

If you have a really good system with plenty of space and resources you might even want to install “Toilet Play V2″ or “Electric Play Vx” and possibly “Suspension V1.0″ but proceed with caution and read the manuals thoroughly as improper use of these programs can cause SEVERE system problems.

Do not, under any circumstances, install “Coming out to co-workers V1.0″ as this will almost certainly result in lost productivity and possibly severe damage to the entire system.  This is not a supported application for “24/7 Slave V1.5″, “Casual Play Partner”, or anything in the entire “BDSM” suite of applications and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech. Support

Endings

Tags

, , , , ,

 

Luck is on my side tonight and it is because it’s a night when I am alone. Well I am not alone; my baby boy is here with me. My husband is staying overnight to get some tests done at our local hospital.
So after thinking about what to do all night yesterday and today I decided to sit here and write. It just seemed that fate has allowed me to do this and I have to take advantage of it.

As you know I met him through my blog and we became friends, then a D/s couple, we both wrote about our lives and desires and now it seems fitting that yesterday I found out on his blog that he has a new submissive.
While reading this story he wrote I just knew that it was not a fantasy. It was the way he told it that I knew it was real. Without reading further I closed the email and I texted him. I had to know if my feeling was true.
Yes, I was shocked to put it mildly when he confirmed it but I just knew. I expected him to get a new submissive. How could I not. After all more than two weeks ago, I had to make a choice.  Actually, it started way before that when my husband got sick. That is when shit hit the fan and my whole world changed.

He (my ex-Dom) was there for me and was supportive but as he told me yesterday, I changed from that day forward. I agreed with him because it was true. Here I was sitting in the hospital night after night afraid for my husband’s life because he wouldn’t stop having seizures. Feeling guilty that I brought this to my husband by being unfaithful to him and wanting to leave him so I could be a whole woman with my Ex-Don, while also being thankful that we were still alive after my husband crashed into a light pole and laid in the drive seat convulsing.
Total headfuck…
I was a mess ( I am still a mess) and I as the weeks turned into a month it got worse.
My ex-Dom tried so hard to keep me afloat and I tried to see Him in Vegas on the first weekend of this month but we both knew it wasn’t going to happen and as he said yesterday even if we did meet, it would have been that one time due to my circumstances and my inability to be alone.

I am broken girl and a shattered submissive. I am just a shell of what I used to be.  I missed how I used to be with him.
The light (mi luz) in me is almost extinguished. I had to make a choice and he agreed with me. I couldn’t live in two worlds. He saw that and before I was ready to admit it to myself, he told me to make a choice about two weeks ago.
A choice for me, not for him or my husband.
As you can see, I choose my husband and this vanilla life. I can’t have any regrets… I have to live with my choice and consequences.
I am not a monster and if I left my husband who is sick and can’t work to pursue my pleasure and happiness with my ex-Dom (even though I love Him like no other and he made me feel whole and complete) would leave me feeling like a total unworthy shit. I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t be selfish. All my life I lived for others and I still choose to do that because it what makes me the person I am.  It’s my nature to take care of others and put myself last.  Because my husband is invalid and unable to work due to the seizures I chose to stay with him.
So, I did what I thought it was right for me and my Ex-Dom did what he needed to do what was right for him.
We decided to remain friends and we continued to chat and text often.  It hurt but I still wanted to have some part of him in my life.

I told him the truth yesterday after he did confirmed that he had a new sub and that is that I am happy for him and Kayla. I am happy that after Shadow and I hurt him he has found love again, happiness and a submissive that embraces and accepts him – all of him.
I also told him one last confession and that is that I was hurt that he didn’t tell me in person and that I had to find out by reading his blog. How hurt I felt that he didn’t tell me beforehand because that reduced our past D/s relationship and our current friendship to nothing. How Kayla had the courage to tell her lover, the truth and he didn’t have the courage to tell me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me further and that is why he didn’t say anything to me, but I told him the way he handled it hurt me more.  If we weren’t talking at all, I wouldn’t expect it but through Kayla’s blog and the archived chats and texts that we had, I know now that he talked to me before and after he saw her… It would have been courteous and it would have been the right and honorable thing to do.  Is what I would of done and expected that from him.  To his defense He did listened to me and did telI me he was sorry.

Still I told him that while it hurt we could still remain friends. I would never turn on him and act like shadow is acting. I have self-respect and class.  I get no pleasure by making his life miserable.
We started out as friends –- good friends — and we can continue to be friends.

Journaling is way to cleanse the mind and soul and getting this out will allow me to move forward and step away from him completely. Closing that chapter in my life.  I know what he meant to me and what he continues to mean to me and I will cherish that forever.  I have no regrets.

I also told him yesterday that I was going to delete my blog and tumblr but I changed my mind. The tumbler I am going to delete but this blog I am going to keep. Back in the day, he gave me my name and that was sunshine but it didn’t fit so we changed it to Luz. Since we both of us came with that name together, I am going to keep it.
Of course, it now has a different meaning to me…
I am going to try to keep this light (luz) in me smoldering until I am able to ignite it once again…

There is hope and that is that next month when we see the specialist in Florida. The doctor might be able to answer some questions that the doctors here are unable to give me. I hope so because I need to know what my husband’s fate will be.  I have been in limbo for too many weeks –months. I need some resolution or I am going to be committed when I have a mental breakdown… ok that is a bad a joke.
I have learned how strong I really am and I will continue on. I have to because my son depends on me.

One last thing, just know that I am ok and i will be ok.

And being the true sub I am his happiness is my joy and knowing he is happy and fulfilled allows me to go on.

Your Laugh

Tags

,

I love the sound of your laughter
Is what pulls me through
The darkest winters

I love the sound of your laughter
Is what makes my summer days
Brighter

I love the sound of your laughter
Is what gets me up in the morning

I love the sound of your laughter
Is what makes me see that
I can take anything life can bring

I love the sound of your laughter

the beginning

Once upon a time, there was a girl blogger. Somehow, he found her blog, he thought she seemed happy; he liked what she had to say and left her several comments on her blog posts. She liked his comments and replied back. Over the course of a few weeks, she started to like him. He was genuine and seemed sincere and even though she didn’t “know” him, she felt comfortable with him. She went to his blog and started reading it. In his blog, she not only saw sadness but felt it as well. It struck something deep within her as he described how he felt about his relationship with his pet and how it was quickly coming to an end. What got her was how he spoke of her and how he kept saying he had no regrets. This girl was in that position just a few short months before that when she tried to end things with her Dom (she was back with him a few weeks later)

She left some long heartfelt comments for both him and her. They were real; they were full of emotion and truth. She wanted to help because she knew what it was like.
Once reading them, he felt compelled to email her. He was such a gentleman and never crossed the line since she had Dom. She loved how respectful he was and let her guard down.
They emailed back and forth as friends. Conversations flowed naturally and both marveled on how hours seemed like minutes. The essence of time did not exist between them. Soon they became very good friends and they started to realize that they had something special. There was no topic they could not discuss, nothing was taboo, and they discussed at length what each wanted – needed — from a D/s relationship. They often knew what each other were thinking and while chatting on IM or texting more often than not they typed out the same things. It was so common that she started to type out KS (kindred spirit) when it happened, much like school friends yell out “Jinx, You owe me a coke” when they said the same thing. It was fun and cute.
It should have stopped there but it didn’t, the relationship took a life of its own. One day they were in contact all day, it almost seemed as if they were together in real life since they were talking and listening so much. They even watched the whole King’s game and he taught her a few things. lol
Like I said, it was evolving, growing, and they could do nothing to stop it.
Oh, believe me they tried.
Made a million excuses why they should not meet and be together…

  • It was long-distance
  • She had a Dom
  • Marriage
  • Kids
  • He had just broken up with his pet
  • It seemed too good to be true
  • It’s crazy
  • Common sense should prevail because people shouldn’t be this way
  • It was long-distance
  • Did I say it was long-distance…

It was futile though. They could not deny each other, they did not want to deny each other for their connection was strong, deep and it just felt right.
They made plans to meet to see if it was truly real or just some sort of infatuation or being on the rebound.

Unfortunately, this is not a fairy tale but real life and something, well several things, happened in her life that made her run away from him because she believe that she could spare him hardship or heartbreak by pushing him away from her.
She was so wrong.
She refused to believe that she would be ok even when he told her repeatedly over and over again that she was going to be fine, she was afraid to trust Him even when she read the story and poem on his blog. She was afraid…

Fortunately, this story doesn’t end here and after several weeks, she realized that no matter what was happening in her life, she couldn’t stay away. She simply couldn’t walk away from him. They hadn’t even met but they are bonded, kindred spirits, and most of all the is love as well as matching in their D/s needs.

She was afraid but now she is no longer afraid and she will embrace her one true Dominant man that will guide her, teach her, mold her, and most of all make her complete.