Luck is on my side tonight and it is because it’s a night when I am alone. Well I am not alone; my baby boy is here with me. My husband is staying overnight to get some tests done at our local hospital.
So after thinking about what to do all night yesterday and today I decided to sit here and write. It just seemed that fate has allowed me to do this and I have to take advantage of it.
As you know I met him through my blog and we became friends, then a D/s couple, we both wrote about our lives and desires and now it seems fitting that yesterday I found out on his blog that he has a new submissive.
While reading this story he wrote I just knew that it was not a fantasy. It was the way he told it that I knew it was real. Without reading further I closed the email and I texted him. I had to know if my feeling was true.
Yes, I was shocked to put it mildly when he confirmed it but I just knew. I expected him to get a new submissive. How could I not. After all more than two weeks ago, I had to make a choice. Actually, it started way before that when my husband got sick. That is when shit hit the fan and my whole world changed.
He (my ex-Dom) was there for me and was supportive but as he told me yesterday, I changed from that day forward. I agreed with him because it was true. Here I was sitting in the hospital night after night afraid for my husband’s life because he wouldn’t stop having seizures. Feeling guilty that I brought this to my husband by being unfaithful to him and wanting to leave him so I could be a whole woman with my Ex-Don, while also being thankful that we were still alive after my husband crashed into a light pole and laid in the drive seat convulsing.
Total headfuck…
I was a mess ( I am still a mess) and I as the weeks turned into a month it got worse.
My ex-Dom tried so hard to keep me afloat and I tried to see Him in Vegas on the first weekend of this month but we both knew it wasn’t going to happen and as he said yesterday even if we did meet, it would have been that one time due to my circumstances and my inability to be alone.
I am broken girl and a shattered submissive. I am just a shell of what I used to be. I missed how I used to be with him.
The light (mi luz) in me is almost extinguished. I had to make a choice and he agreed with me. I couldn’t live in two worlds. He saw that and before I was ready to admit it to myself, he told me to make a choice about two weeks ago.
A choice for me, not for him or my husband.
As you can see, I choose my husband and this vanilla life. I can’t have any regrets… I have to live with my choice and consequences.
I am not a monster and if I left my husband who is sick and can’t work to pursue my pleasure and happiness with my ex-Dom (even though I love Him like no other and he made me feel whole and complete) would leave me feeling like a total unworthy shit. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be selfish. All my life I lived for others and I still choose to do that because it what makes me the person I am. It’s my nature to take care of others and put myself last. Because my husband is invalid and unable to work due to the seizures I chose to stay with him.
So, I did what I thought it was right for me and my Ex-Dom did what he needed to do what was right for him.
We decided to remain friends and we continued to chat and text often. It hurt but I still wanted to have some part of him in my life.
I told him the truth yesterday after he did confirmed that he had a new sub and that is that I am happy for him and Kayla. I am happy that after Shadow and I hurt him he has found love again, happiness and a submissive that embraces and accepts him – all of him.
I also told him one last confession and that is that I was hurt that he didn’t tell me in person and that I had to find out by reading his blog. How hurt I felt that he didn’t tell me beforehand because that reduced our past D/s relationship and our current friendship to nothing. How Kayla had the courage to tell her lover, the truth and he didn’t have the courage to tell me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me further and that is why he didn’t say anything to me, but I told him the way he handled it hurt me more. If we weren’t talking at all, I wouldn’t expect it but through Kayla’s blog and the archived chats and texts that we had, I know now that he talked to me before and after he saw her… It would have been courteous and it would have been the right and honorable thing to do. Is what I would of done and expected that from him. To his defense He did listened to me and did telI me he was sorry.
Still I told him that while it hurt we could still remain friends. I would never turn on him and act like shadow is acting. I have self-respect and class. I get no pleasure by making his life miserable.
We started out as friends –- good friends — and we can continue to be friends.
Journaling is way to cleanse the mind and soul and getting this out will allow me to move forward and step away from him completely. Closing that chapter in my life. I know what he meant to me and what he continues to mean to me and I will cherish that forever. I have no regrets.
I also told him yesterday that I was going to delete my blog and tumblr but I changed my mind. The tumbler I am going to delete but this blog I am going to keep. Back in the day, he gave me my name and that was sunshine but it didn’t fit so we changed it to Luz. Since we both of us came with that name together, I am going to keep it.
Of course, it now has a different meaning to me…
I am going to try to keep this light (luz) in me smoldering until I am able to ignite it once again…
There is hope and that is that next month when we see the specialist in Florida. The doctor might be able to answer some questions that the doctors here are unable to give me. I hope so because I need to know what my husband’s fate will be. I have been in limbo for too many weeks –months. I need some resolution or I am going to be committed when I have a mental breakdown… ok that is a bad a joke.
I have learned how strong I really am and I will continue on. I have to because my son depends on me.
One last thing, just know that I am ok and i will be ok.
And being the true sub I am his happiness is my joy and knowing he is happy and fulfilled allows me to go on.
I know that, but said:
***hugs you***
I had wondered about his posts. Things didn’t fully add up, but I thought it was about concealing real world names, etc.
I’m so sorry about your husband, the now ex-dom, yourself and your future, and your little boy. You must be going out of your mind.
I hope you have a refuge on your original blog. If you like, email me so I can follow you there.
Thank you for letting us know.
Big hugs. I am so sorry.
Luz said:
First thank you for the hugs and the caring comment.
Second don’t be sorry and please don’t feel sorry for me. It’s life and the choices one needs to make are never easy or right but they are choices.
Third my original blog I deleted when I made a new blog (not this one) but his ex-submissive was stalking him and we changed blogs. I deleted that one as well. I am tired of deleting and that is why I keeping this one. I am not sure how often I am going to blog and as you can see from this jumbled post I am out of practice but I do have to say it did feel good to write.
Lastly thank you for reading. I didn’t think anyone that knew all three of us would comment or read me but it is the internet… there is no secrets. lol
hugs back…
I know that, but said:
I read you from the first.
It is easy to rename the blog and give yourself a new name. I was reminded about the ownership facet of naming your submissive by this post: http://tteclod.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/naming-your-submissive/
So if at some point you want to have your own name, I want you to know that it is easy to accomplish.
Take very good care of yourself and your little boy.
*hugs and kisses*
Luz said:
Thank you for your help and if I should ever need to change names I know I can. For now the name just fits with my life and it’s strange how I don’t really associated it with the past… maybe because the relationship was new. I don’t know all I know is that I am ok with it and that is what matters.